winterelixir's Blog

𝐇𝐚𝐫𝐝 & 𝐒𝐨𝐟𝐭 𝐋𝐢𝐦𝐢𝐭𝐬

Let's talk a little today about hard and soft limits and why they're an important part of a D/s dynamic or relationship. Boundaries are important whether you have a BDSM partner, an ongoing relationship or not. These boundaries allow you to effectively communicate with your partner what is and is not okay within a relationship whether it be in the bedroom or outside of it. Now, in the BDSM community, these limits can be defined as 𝙝𝙖𝙧𝙙 and 𝙨𝙤𝙛𝙩. Since BDSM is all about pushing you outside of your comfort zone, soft limits are established as being slightly more flexible, with consent, of course. Whereas, hard limits are absolute.

For example a soft limit could be that Lucy enjoys being open handedly spanked but with the right partner and under the right circumstances, she would consider being paddled.

𝐇𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐋𝐢𝐦𝐢𝐭𝐬 are things that you would never under any circumstances do. These are things that can trigger bad memories, panic attacks or other psychological stress. Your hard limits can be anything at all even if they seem tame or fun to others. You cannot disregard a limit just because you don't think it's important. So when the discussion comes up, don't be afraid to say no as communication and consent are key. Due to the fact that hard limits are sacred within a dynamic, people who violate these limits (without discussion or consent) can raise serious red flags and are considered dangerous, for good reason.

Violating someone's consent by doing the very thing that they were asked not to do is enough to not only immediately end the scene but can also end the entire relationship/dynamic.

Example, due to an abusive past, being slapped in the face is a hard limit for Laura because it triggers painful memories.

𝐒𝐨𝐟𝐭 𝐋𝐢𝐦𝐢𝐭𝐬 could be activities you don't necessarily enjoy and wouldn't do unless it was with the right partner. For instance, it could be an activity you see as too dangerous unless you were with someone who has demonstrated expertise in that area. It could be something that excites yet horrifies you simultaneously; something you would only do with someone you deeply trusted. Now you might hear people talk about pushing limits or playing around the edges of their submissives soft limits, this should only be done after serious discussion or negotiation. It's not up to the Dom to decide to push these limits without their submissive’s consent and input. Everyone should be prepared for what happens if these boundaries are pushed and ready to deal with the fallout if, and when it happens.

Does this mean a Dominant can't have limits? Absolutely not. Bratting for example. Let's say your dominant is okay with a little sass but after a three strike warning, they are now in the red zone of their limit. The point is, no one should be pressured into doing something they're not comfortable with.

𝐑𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐋𝐢𝐦𝐢𝐭𝐬 are not always talked about but are definitely worth mentioning.

This is something the person needs. For instance, "If a punishment makes me cry, after care is a must. "

On a closing note it is completely okay if you try something off your soft limits list and it turns out that you absolutely hate it. It will then go towards your hard limits, just like it's okay for you to revisit something on your hard limit list and have it become part of your normal scene. Experimenting and revisiting your own limits and boundaries are okay as long as it's consensual and discussed between both partners. Remember, don't be afraid to use your safe word. They are put into place for you and as a guide for your Dom. If you don't like what they're doing you can reassure them on what's acceptable and correct it or pause it all together to recuperate. One of the roles of a good Dom is to help guide their submissive, to help them grow and to see what they are and aren't okay with. This helps ensure and strengthen the trust as well as the bond of the relationship.