dlove_rm's Blog

Hi there. My name is Tim. Ok so this is one of those stories where “the name was changed to protect the innocent”. Tim is not my real name but for this story, we will use it. Today I am in my mid 40’s, tall, wide, strong, independent and yes, I am still to this day bullied.

You know that song, by Blaine Larsen from 2005, “How Do You Get That Lonely”? It talks about suicide in kids and people in general and about how a person can feel so alone, so isolated and troubled that they feel like taking their life is the only escape for them. That is what being bullied feels like. It feels like, not only the “bully” is after you, but because not only can you not stand up to the bully, but neither will anyone else. People you once considered your friends are not standing up for you. People who were your mentors are not standing up. Your family is not standing up. The entire system at work is not standing up. And it just makes you feel isolated, alone, and lonely. Yes. I was bullied as a kid. I was bullied as a teenager. I was bullied in college. I was bullied throughout all of my life in one form or fashion.

As … kids would pick on me because of my name or because of my size, or my physical weakness, or one of dozens of other reasons. And unfortunately, I was clumsy, clutzy, forgetful, and suffered from other lapses of good judgement so I would inevitably give them things to poke fun of me about so they were never low on items to tease me with. I would try to fit in with the “cool” kids, make them my friends and it would seem to work for a short time, and then it would seem they had “lured” in into a false sense of friendship and would then do things to torment me and tease me again.

I was the youngest in my class which didn’t help. I was often the shortest in the class which didn’t help. I was not good at sports, that also didn’t help. The things I excelled at were music, band, computers and math. That certainly didn’t help. Great so now I was a “geek” too. Just another thing for them to make fun of me about.

In college I grew several inches taller, several inches wider, stronger, and puberty hit. I was one of those “late bloomers” in life. I started my freshman year at college singing top tenor in the choir, with a falsetto to rival most any soprano. I ended my freshman year, with a 5 note baritone range and dropping out of choir and taking up theatre as my major. I would go back home and my old school nemesis’s would continue to pick on me. I would stay at college and I had my fair share of bullies there too. I had more friends at college, but we were all different and it wasn’t until my Junior year at college I finally found friends that would help me to stand up to my bully. Oddly enough, they were his friends. I made a whole new set of friends when that happened. I thought things were different. But once again, most of them had lured me in because they too wanted something from me and once they got that, I was the butt of the jokes again. This time by people who had been friends. The pain was unbearable, but I suffered through it and graduated and pursued life.

In life I was bullied by employers, legalities, and eventually I found relationships where my spouse would tend to use techniques to control or bully me. Techniques like try to convince me I was being the controlling one, to get me to an apologetic state so that they could then have the control. As I have grown and matured, I have learned how people use and mis-use one another. How employers will offer you “flattery” at your work, in order to manipulate you into working longer hours, more hours, overtime hours, all for the same pay. I have seen how people in “authoritative” roles will use that role and abuse their privilege to manipulate you into paying a fee or a fine that you don’t have to pay, or making you perform a task you should not be performing, all so you are no longer “in trouble” that you were never in to begin with. We have many of us fallen susceptible to this “you scratch my back I will scratch yours” lure.

Now before you think this is just a whiny, little, pity me type of story, please understand, I am just recollecting events from my own life. How you choose to interpret that, is entirely up to you. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I have had some bad things in my life happen. I have had some good things happen. Without the bad, I might not recognize the good. No, this is just one person letting you know, things could have been and should have been different. And I, as a regular old citizen of Kansas, am here to tell you, I personally have had enough. I have survived all of this. I am strong. Stronger than many others who did not survive. And I am saddened by those that did not survive that should have never been backed into that corner where they thought it was their only escape. People do not realize their influence or impact on others. They think they can just do or say anything and it will just roll away and be gone. They do not know how much things linger, plaguing people. Hanging over us.

As a sophomore in high school, I had a basketball coach pick me up off the floor by my ears and tell me I was a “worthless tub of lard and their team would be better off without me around”. While he was doing that, my “teammates” were putting icey-hot in my underwear for me. And he knew it.

As a Junior in college, I was singing to myself in my car after a basketball game. Windows rolled up and no one could hear me. Some big football jock saw me and thought I was making derogatory comments about him. Okay, to his defense he didn’t use derogatory, he didn’t know what that meant I found out later. When he accused me of it behind my dorm and I told him I wasn’t doing that, he thought I was making him look foolish so he broke my drivers side window……with my head. And then he knocked me over my car’s hood until his girlfriend proceeded to intervene and beg him to stop hitting me. Later that evening he stopped by to “apologize” by making me go to church with him for the next month. All the while telling me that I should be stronger so that things like that will not happen again. Hmm – so it is my fault for being weak, that a guy I don’t know decides to beat me up for something he only imagined I did to him. I will remember that. And yes, I have remembered that.

When I was a little kid, in elementary school, my house was across the alley from the school football field. I remember one day, I was tossing the football around to myself in my backyard while a bunch of middle schoolers were playing football. Apparently one of them had to go and it was his football and he was taking it with him. This should have been my first clue but I was a bit naïve as a youngster. These guys came up to the fence and wanted to borrow my ball. I was reluctant but finally they said I could play with them. I was much smaller than them but it didn’t dawn on me how dangerous this could be. I was going to be having fun with the bigger kids and they would accept me as a friend. That is all I could think. So I joined them, and brought my ball. It didn’t take long for them to exclude me, use my ball and then later leave, taking my ball with them. That is when a couple of my friends showed up as well. We played around on the track, the long jump pit, high jump, etc. And then they knocked me down, took my shoes and socks off, threw my shoes at me, wiped their buttocks with my socks and threw them at me too and left. All the while still thinking for whatever reason they were my friends.

I harbored a great deal of anger for most of the kids I grew up with. I always used to say I would go back at a reunion, they would see that I was bigger than them and if they picked on me for ANYTHING again, I would make sure they didn’t do it again. To anyone. Ever. I have never gone to one of my reunions. Mostly because, I am kind of afraid that I might follow through on that threat and then I would be no better than my bully. I am not one of those “turn the other cheek” people, do not mistake me here. I am one of those “I’m afraid I will seriously injure them and be held liable and responsible for that injury by the legal system” type of people.

Today, I am bullied by people that just think I am different. Look at me. I am tall. But I am wide. I am fat. People think I am ugly. They think I am slow, dumb, all because I am fat. They do not realize I have a 165 IQ. They do not realize I have so many talents I am still to this day unsure of what I should be doing in my life. But I am alone. I am lonely. And ladies and gentlemen, I have tried committing suicide before. I don’t tell people this too often, but when my first marriage went bad, I didn’t know how to handle that. This was a person I loved and who was supposed to love me, and yet, we were bullies to each other, in different ways, and even though we … together, we were not compatible. We shouldn’t have been married but I wouldn’t trade that now for anything. She was bullied by many people for completely different reasons. To this day she is still bullied by lawmakers, politics, people’s religious beliefs and people’s ideas of relationships. Yes, my first wife was homosexual. She is happy now that she has come out. I am happy for her. It has taken me years to get to a place where I can say that and mean that. I want some of that happiness for myself. Yet it constantly eludes me.

People ask, “why don’t you just lose weight if you think that is the problem?” I have tried. I quit drinking soda beverages, I lost zero pounds. I cut back on carbs. I lost zero pounds. My doctor suggested bariatric surgery, but my employer’s insurance program doesn’t cover that. Nor does my employer offer any sort of gym membership discount program. Nor do they offer any prescription assistance in weight loss medications. Yeah, this “Obamacare” crap is really helping those “in need”. Sorry, that was a bit sullen there, please forgive me. All I am saying is, as a fat person, who is middle class and gainfully employed, I feel pretty bullied by our governmental system because they are not doing a good job of “giving back” to the people. Bariatric surgeries cost between 14 and 22 thousand dollars. Not exactly within my budget right now. So that option is out. I go to a gym three times a week. Still have not lost a pound. My doctor has tried “other” medication that has helped other people in the past. Things like pre-diabetes medications. Still have not lost a pound. So – why don’t I just lose weight? Because its not as easy as people think it is for everyone. No one knows why I am not losing any weight. I wish I did, but I don’t.

Today, in my life, I have exactly 4 friends I feel I can count on. One of them makes fun of my weight but I can laugh with him during that. Two of them I never see but we text, so that is helpful. The last friend, she consistently tries to change me. Convince me I should be working harder to lose weight. I don’t think she realizes the effort I am already putting toward this and that it is failing still. I honestly do not know what to do. On the one hand, I feel like I am without people that understand. Without friends altogether. So yeah, I am that lonely. On the other hand I feel like maybe this is the way it is supposed to be. I should be happy with this because it doesn’t get any better for some of us.

Okay, so maybe this is one of those “pity me” stories after all. I didn’t really mean it to be, but apparently it has become that. What is a person to do? Do I call a suicide hotline? I mean, I am not suicidal. I tried that. It was a HORRIBLE idea to try it. So I don’t want to use up a resource meant to save someone, just so I could feel like I have a friend who isn’t really my friend but just pretending to be so they can “talk me down off the ledge” so to speak. My doctor says to try joining in with some groups. What groups? I enjoy writing, but there are only a couple writing groups in my area and one is requesting a large amount of money monthly to participate. Unless they are promising to publish a book for me, I don’t know why they need $65 dollars a month for us just to meet and talk. The other group seems to cancel more meetings than they have so that seems kind of pointless. I am into other activities but not sure I want to join groups for them. I love doing stand-up comedy. Yeah I know I come across as a “Debbie downer” here but really, I am kind of funny at times. Here, let me try this joke on you. You know how they say “two wrongs can’t make a right”? I am about to disprove that. Right now, if you were to try to boo me off this stage, well that would just be BS. And Booing is wrong. And BS is wrong. But you put those two wrongs together and you got “BOOBS”. And boobs are alright by me. So two wrongs, just made a right. Yeah – it needs a little work, but you get the general idea. I’m a comic in the making, cut me some slack. It’s my avenue for escape. And so far, its helping.

What do you do when you need an escape? Is it something you enjoy? Is it something you think others will enjoy? In England they would cheer you on and say “Bully For You!” Odd how that term “Bully” can suddenly go from a negative connotation to a positive term, isn’t it?

BULLY FOR YOU!!!! Keep up the good work. Stay strong. I got your back. You’re doing great. AWESOME JOB!!!!! All of these are words of encouragement. Can we try using them with people we know for a change? It just might actually help save a life and you not even know it. But whether you know that or not, just think how it will make others feel if you offer encouragement. And think of how it can make you feel to think, “You may have just helped someone!” Bully for you.