ziggridlox's Blog

Exordium: For months I've contemplated writing this piece. The graphic nature and extremely negative description of … battle with chemical imbalances is not really something people want to read about and might even find hard to digest. As my newly organized advocacy group, CTP drew in more people, I began noticing members, new to the lifestyle, showing characteristics of those fighting psychological confinements, or as I refer to as internal adversaries; introvertism, extreme shyness, low self esteem/confidence, depression and social anxiety disorders are the obvious. My philosophy has always been the same; There is no place in our practices for jealousy, lingering, traumatic history with potential resurfacing backlash or deep seated issues. 'Surely' I thought, 'these problems need to be voluntarily negotiated and controlled prior to participating or trying to become a member. Well,.... I was wrong. Some of the Mentors in CTP took notice as well. Our practices tend to tip the scale, opposit the norm. To try and accomplish, what is every day life for us, is climbing mountains for others in these self containment and lonely sanctuaries. Surrounded by positive energies, & like minds, they accelerated. This blog is for them.

 It’s amazing how different life is perceived from one person to the next. In my case, in youth, I experienced emotional catastrophe. Even now, looking back, I find it imaginable.

One minute you’re on top of the world, the next, you’re ready to jump off. I’ve never claimed to be a balanced minded person, I’ve just never spoken of the imbalance that plagued … mind. It's something, overcame and best left in the past.

 I’ve voiced the need for a balance of respect between Vanillas, (The ‘moral’ majority) and a somewhat despondent society. Predominates living a life necessary, and not by choice. When you think about it, the most common stigma about subculture, fetishist and hedonistic living, derives from the idea that we all have deep seated issues or resonates from some past traumatic experience. Basically, we must all be fucked up in the head.
 Some might also anticipate more problems, when a member, such as myself, of this culture decides to write and expose these same issues to the public. The truth is, I’m writing this blog anticipating the opposite. How? Keep reading.

 At one point in my life I’d made up my mind that the world is so devastatingly unfair and beyond reassembly; increasingly overbearing thoughts of clocking out as my spirit plummeted, head first into the concrete, 500 feet below.

 OK, of course, the idea varies, depending on who you are. I unfortunately or luckily, depending on how you look at it and if this effort helps anyone that can relate; harnessed a cyclopean weight of destructive thought, very unkind to my spirit as a young boy.

 Depression began to consume me at the age of 17. Heavy, lingering confusion……turned to spontaneously combustible fits of deep gasping……then, a deluge of adrenaline…..contorted, crimson and rippled expression….a torrent of tears…gasping harder for breath..silent screams suspended in time.


 It was a crippling pain, pounding my soul to the point of exhaustion; triggering surges of emotion, every-fucking-twenty-minutes.



 Then, anger kicked in. Where was this coming from? WHY ME??? Sheet rock feared me. No wall was exempt from an ass beating.




 As I write, my memory becomes more vivid. … and confused; with no solution to be found with in light years. I see an innocent ball of contorted youth, with his face buried between his knees, exhausted and broken. This was a reality then, and it scares the shit out of me, even now.

 As I got older, the fits subsided, gradually morphing into numbness; starring at nothing for hours.



 I recall meager solutions; grabbing at empty hope; the example of the crack addict picking up crumbs, all just fuselage of the same sheet rock, refusing to burn in the pipe and quickly killing hope with every disgusting attempt. Does this seem like too bitter of an analogy and over exaggeration? … maybe.

 Self-medicating transitioned to an insatiable consumption of mind altering toxins, manipulating efforts, resulting in soulless sexual experiences and a torrential yearning for love.


 This caused sanity and contentment to take a proverbial leap ending in proverbial death, while trying to maintain it. An undeniable part of this was the desire to love, eventually translating to a crushing weight of Codependency.

 It’s shocking to think that maturing, for most young boys meant sprouting facial hair, first pubes and learning how to drive a car, while for the troubled few, it meant constantly trying to cheat death by your own hands. You can take the advice, ‘Learn to pick your battles or fight your demons,' but sometimes you have no choice when all your battles and demons gang up and kick the shit out of you.

 Funny, I’ve just realized that I’ve begun to giggle. The irony of this; although I haven’t harbored any of these issues, I can’t decide if this reaction comes from a sense conquering accomplishment, knowing I beat this beast or rather a nasty bit of insanity that latched on to my soul and reacts now and again, in my subconscious.

 I beat it. I successfully made my way out of the scary jungle and into safety, although, not without scars and laceration. Either way, I can assuredly say that I’m alive.. I figured out how to how to improve my surroundings and curve my emotions, drawing out real happiness. Amongst many remedies, I’ve chosen to progress in directions that I find … and fulfilling, despite judgment and transparent malevolence from, at best, murky, hypocrisies. Not only am I alive, but I am more alive and happy than I’ve ever been. And I dare say that my happiness and sanity is greater than even the same majority that accomplished the awarding pubic hair.

 I still have issues. Everyone does; that's human nature. I still get numb, sad and especially, as of lately, very lonely. And although I love many and am loved, I still yearn for the intimacy I deny myself.



 I can only conclude that this self-deprivation stems from those few lingering scars that won’t completely heal. Hey! I’ll take it. Considering where I was long ago, my life now is a smiling, three legged dog.

 I stand before the world, tall and proud. I’ve chosen ‘unthinkable’ paths, yielding sanity and contentment. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 I’ve chosen to share this with my readers to make a point; No matter what you have gone through or ARE going through, your needs, desires and accomplishments are always attainable. Sometimes, you just have to grab your balls and do the unthinkable, despite what everyone else thinks.

 In coda, it’s your life, and your happiness. Never allow something or someone else tell you how to attain it.

 That’s my story at least. For everyone its different. In the end, we all want the same thing.

 Live free, grow pure, be honest to yourself and happiness will follow.