Unquenchable's Blog

Vogue posted this great article written by KARLEY SCIORTINO this week. It made me think "what a great idea for a blog topic", however, after reading it I don't think I could have written this any better- it's so spot on.

Sexting is an important life skill. If the ability to pen a beautiful love letter got our grandparents the girl, today, having a baller sexting game can be the difference between a Tinder match that goes nowhere and being able to actually touch a person in real life. High stakes, people. But sexting is not only for new lovers, … and politicians and their mistresses. It can also improve your long-term relationship. And it’s no simple task. In order to compete in today’s sexting world, you have to be the right combination of witty and dirty; you have to get the pacing right; and, most importantly, you have to master the sexy selfie.

After last year’s massive celebrity iCloud hack, many opted for the victim-blaming routine: “They shouldn’t have taken nude photos in the first place!” This is ridiculous, of course. Newsflash: Naked pics did not originate with the release of the iPhone. They’ve been around for a very long time, because nude photos are great, and we’re not going to stop taking or sharing them anytime soon. But there is a way to be smart(ish) about it.

To state the obvious: When sending a nude, don’t include your face, or any distinguishing features like birthmarks and tattoos (unless you’re covered in tattoos, then I guess fuck it). Of course, once you’re in a serious relationship, it’s sort of inevitable that you and your partner are going to have incriminating pics of each other on your phones. That’s just an unavoidable risk of modern dating, along with HPV, paparazzi sex drones, and your boyfriend dumping you for a robot.

As a ground rule, everyone should understand that if you send someone a sexy pic, there’s a 99.99 percent chance they will show it to at least one other person, and may even text or email it to others. So what does that mean? It means you need to look good in the photo, obviously. Know your angles! Make an S-curve! Only one chin per photo. And make sure there’s nothing embarrassing in the frame behind you—the used condoms on your nightstand, for example. Still, be careful not to make too much effort, to the point that your nudes seems overworked. E.g., no DIY photoshopping yourself thinner, and don’t make that face where you scrunch your mouth to the side, like a duck who’s had a stroke. (For more on this topic, I suggest you watch Amy Schumer’s “Sext Photographer” sketch.)

For your sexts to stand out, you must be creative. I once dated a guy who would text me after he jerked off, saying that he was thinking about me. Who knows if it was actually true, but it was effective. The sexts were short and sweet: “Just came imagining you bouncing on top of me,” or whatever. But his hottest sext ever was the time he sent me a voice memo of him cumming, and, after the moaning, said, “Thinking of you.”

Sexting can get pretty intense, and in the heat of the moment, it’s easy to lose composure. So please, proofread your texts! A bad autocorrect can really kill the mood. No one wants to hear about how bad you want to “duck” them, or how you’re in bed touching your “clot.” I also personally feel like a bit of humor helps. It’s cringe-y when someone gets too self-serious or goes all Shakespeare and starts using words like “pulsing” and “member” or talking about their internal fire. Casualness and subtlety go a long way in the sextual realm.

The first time I got a phone with photo capabilities, when I was 23, I sent photos of my boobs to everyone I wanted to sleep with, with mixed to negative IRL results. This is an example of poor subtlety on my part. But this was a pre-Weiner, pre-hack time, when we were not yet versed in the risks and etiquette of naked selfies. Since then I’ve learned that it’s usually best not to send nudes to someone who hasn’t already seen you naked. And try to keep it classy. This isn’t a gyno exam—no one needs to see your cervix. A seductive underwear shot will be far more effective at stimulating the recipient’s fantasies than a shot that leaves nothing to the imagination.

Which leads me to what might be the most important rule of all: Guys, no one wants an unsolicited dick pic! This should go without saying, but a lot of guys still haven’t gotten the memo. As a general rule, when something becomes so widely disliked that society as a whole bands together in hatred of it—fedoras, Nazis, unsolicited dick pics—that’s when you should probably stop associating with that thing, even if your heart is telling you otherwise.

That said, if someone asks for a dick pic, send away! But please, we need context. Sending a pic of just the shaft is the equivalent to a girl sending you a zoomed-in image of just her clit. Not hot. Include at least one other part of your body in the frame, preferably your torso, rather than the unfortunate classic: the dick and feet. If this means you need to get a selfie stick for your dick pics, so be it.

I don’t want to hate on dick pics too much, because they can be a useful tool for the modern businesswoman, according to my friend, who I’ll call Molly, a 31-year-old director. “In the context of a hook up, I usually ask for a dick pic first,” Molly told me. “If it’s just going to be sex, seeing their cock lets you know if it’s worth your time. But if you’re in the beginning of something real, an unwanted dick pic is a turn off.” Molly also upholds a careful separation of sext and work. “I generally hold back from sexting with anyone I have a professional overlap with, and in New York, when you work in a creative field, that encompasses a lot of people. I just don’t trust anyone, and the last thing I need is a screenshot of my texts about how much I squirted being passed around to people I work with.”

Sexting is also a good way to test someone’s sexual boundaries, according to my friend, who I’ll call Nick, a 31-year-old artist. Twice he’s used this technique to introduce the idea of a threesome. Nick told me, “For instance, I might text, ‘It would be so hot to see you with another girl,’” and then see if that turns her on or not.” Another time he wanted to invite his guy friend in for group sex. “Bringing it up in the midst of a heated sext session felt casual and safe,” Nick said, “rather than asking randomly over lunch, like ‘Hey, how’s the pizza? By the way, do you want to get double-teamed by me and my coworker?’” After they fantasized about it over text a couple times, it ended up really happening.

Sexting is generally something that’s rampant at the beginning of a relationship, but eventually loses steam. In a long-term relationship, it’s easy to neglect the small, everyday erotic gestures—flowers, random make-outs at the movies—that make a world of difference in maintaining your erotic dialogue. … Esther Perel discusses this in her insightful TED Talk, “The secret to desire in a long-term relationship.” Perel says, “Foreplay is not something you do five minutes before the real thing. Foreplay pretty much starts at the end of the previous orgasm.” In other words, make the times when you’re not in bed count, too. Whether you’re newly matched or married for years, your sexting game makes more of a difference than you think.

Karley Sciortino writes the blog Slutever.

original article- http://www.vogue.com/13260212/breathless-karley-sciortino-sexting/