cairo-egypt's Blog

1. Rethink how you define sex.

Getting too caught up in what your sex life should be like is common, say experts. But opening your mind about what you consider great sex can be refreshing, and can take some of the pressure off. "Couples can have a loving, playful, erotic connection in bed that's not focused on intercourse or orgasm," says psychologist Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., author of The Dance of Anger. "Some people achieve orgasm pretty easily but have sex in a mechanical manner. Other people may orgasm infrequently, or dislike penetration, but love the intimacy and physical closeness they share with their partner. Don't accept anyone else's definition of what constitutes real or good sex." Translation: A naked spoon session counts as part of your sex life—and it can be just as sexy as intercourse, if you want it to be.

2. Let go of some of the emotional weight you've been shouldering.

These days, as women, we're juggling so many things at once: work, family, friends, taking care of ourselves, and more. But sometimes we're so busy accomplishing that we forget to stop, breathe, and receive—something that experts say is key for a healthy sex life because it helps you access your feminine side. "This doesn't mean girly, dainty, or submissive," says couples … Jill Vermeire. "When it comes to sex, women need to let their partner be masculine, and the woman needs to be in her feminine energy, which is about opening yourself up to receive what your partner wants to give." So, it's not sexist or even old-fashioned to, say, ask your husband to put away the dishes while you take a bath. Instead, it's helping you be the yin to his yang—and vice versa.

3. Go on a sex diet.

As many of us know from experience with regular diets, depriving yourself of something is a foolproof way to start wanting it more than ever. Andrew Marshall, marital … and author of Have the Sex You Want: A Couple's Guide to Getting Back the Spark, recommends capitalizing on that want-what-you-can't-have phenomenon by deliberately taking a four-week break from sex. "It sounds crazy, but it will help you reconnect and discover new pleasures," he says. "By adhering to the no-sex rule, you will relearn how to turn your partner on, set your fantasies free, and introduce new ideas that could spice up your love-making." We know, it sounds painful, but that no-grains diet did too, right? Take a chance—the results should be worth it.

4. Do one thing for your bedroom.

Never underestimate the power of setting. Making sure your environment is conducive to sex can be the difference between passing out the second the kids are asleep or getting some action first. Sexologist and podcast host Emily Morse recommends doing a sweep for anything non-intimacy-related, and clearing your bedroom of paperwork, kids toys, and projects. "Set the atmosphere by lighting candles, turn on feel-good music, and make the bed," she says. "o whatever you need to make the bedroom, and the bed in particular, an attractive and sexy place to be. This primes your mind and the anticipation of sex." If that's not an excuse to splurge on those pricey candles, we don't know what is. Hey, it's for the good of your marriage.

5. Breathe, kegel, repeat.

Centering yourself physically and mentally can do wonders for your sex life. And it's not as overwhelming as it sounds. There are some very simple, quick exercises that will help bring you into the present and relax into the mood, says Laurie Watson, sex … and author of Wanting Sex Again. "Women can instantly enjoy sex more if they focus on their breath for as little as 30 seconds. Rather than listening to the critical voice in your head, tuning into your breathing connects your mind to body, making you alive to sensation." Another one of her secrets? Kegel muscle exercises. "If you become anxious about reaching climax, tension in the pelvis will increase your pleasure and get you out of your head."

6. Think quality, not quantity.

So many women stress out about their sex lives because they worry they're not doing it often enough. But it's quality, not quantity, that matters, says Morse. "There is no specified number of times to have sex per week. Wipe the virtual sex calculator from your mind and think about the kind of sex you'd like to be having. What is it that you truly desire and how do you want sex to make you feel? Look for intimacy, not just great sex." In other words, one incredible encounter can totally trump a handful of mediocre, unmemorable ones. And that feels way more doable than trying to meet a specific quota.

7. Rediscover your sexiest self.

Confidence is everything. Getting caught up in a cycle of insecurity or anxiety about your looks or sexual skills is guaranteed to kill the moment. To get in a stronger, more positive mind-set, Vermeire recommends reliving a time in your life when you felt self-assured, sexy, and uninhibited. "Maybe it was when you were feeling your healthiest because you took care of your body with a nutritious diet and plenty of physical activity. Maybe it's when you spoke your mind and felt strong and empowered," she says. "Whatever it was, go back to what worked in the past. Reclaim that part of you that's probably buried at the bottom of the laundry basket."

8. Be a little taboo.

Let your mind wander to kinda-crazy, unconventional places; it's hot. Laura Berman, Ph.D., resident sex expert for Durex, recommends keeping a fantasy box in your room so you can pull something out at any time. Watching porn together or self-stimulating in front of each another are effective precisely because they're taboo and dangerous. "No one reaches orgasm by imaging that they are holding hands with their partner during a romantic, moonlit walk on the beach," says Lerner. "Your fantasies, no matter how bizarre, are not a sign of disloyalty to your partner, nor an indication that you are some kind of weirdo. Fantasies are just fantasies." So let 'em run wild.

9. Make a sexual bucket list.

You make lists of all the things you want to do in your life and career—why not do the same for your sex life? Morse recommends compiling a list of everything you and your partner want to try, in the bedroom and out, then setting dates and letting the anticipation build. One idea to add to that list: some new locations outside the bedroom. "Be daring and spontaneous," says Morse. "What matters is the thrill of new places and new moves to go with them. You can't revert back to old-fashioned missionary when you're doing it in a cramped shower stall." True enough.

10. Think of sex as a gift, not a chore.

Yes, sex is important for a healthyrelationship. But don't get so hung up on it that it becomes but another item on your to-do list. "Sex is a chance for connection," says Vermeire. "A woman's body should be a playground for her partner to explore. Mentally and emotionally, thinking of sex as a present from your partner can make a huge difference in the bedroom (or kitchen, or couch…). Erase the idea that you must achieve an orgasm and instead think of it as a time to explore each other's bodies and enjoy the closeness."