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I wonder what others think about the subject of love. Even on a website like this love can’t be completely avoided nor can it be ever entirely removed from our sexual lives. As a romantic I often reflect on Valentine’s Day. I am somewhat idealistic when it comes to relationships and unfortunately I set a truly high standard when it comes to my boyfriends and each and every time they fail miserably to meet my expectation which leaves me discouraged and disheartened. What I cannot settle with myself is, are my expectations for my Prince Charming simply too high; or have I just not met and known true love.

I believe what you put into your life determines what you get out of life. If you work hard you can achieve whatever your heart desires. But how much work is there in true love? Does true love happen regardless of circumstance or actions? Do those who know true love need to put less effort into maintaining that relationship?

The older I get the more I am convinced love is purely about finding a good personality match, combined with a physical attraction, topped with someone who is willing to meet your emotional, physical (and sometimes spiritual) needs. I read a book many years ago which helped me put a lot of things into a better perspective; the book is called “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. To summarize Gary categorizes the way individuals like (or need) to be loved into:

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Quality Time

3. Receiving Gifts

4. Acts of Service

5. Physical Touch

Each are pretty self-explainary and if you don’t immediately identify your own love language there are questionnaires you can do to determine yours. Most people will have a strong top two languages, meaning they feel loved most when shown love in their language. For example, My top two love languages are ‘Words of Affection’ and ‘Physical Touch’, if my partner was to wash the dishes for me (and it should be noted here that we usually GIVE love out in the way we like to RECEIVE love) I would not necessarily subconsciously receive this as an act of affection as ‘Act of Service’ is my lowest ranking love language. However, if he was to come home and greet me with a kiss and express in words how he has missed me that day he would be meeting my love languages and I would feel a million dollars and loved. It’s not an unfamiliar thing to hear a woman complain “You just don’t seem to care anymore” to which the man is baffled because he has lavished her with expensive gifts regularly; when perhaps all she desired was to spend quality time together. The point I am trying to make here is that we need to understand how our partner needs to be loved in order to have a mutually edifying and emotionally satisfying relationship.

I could determine from his that love is simply a choice. You met Mr. Sexy, you two get along well and the friendship develops naturally. Would it be simplifying love too much to conclude that love is simply the next step of a) deciding on embarking on a sexually intimate relationship; b) committing to trying to meet the other person’s emotional love needs; and c) opening your own heart to receiving love in return?

So why then do so many of us find love so hard?

I sadly feel that perhaps it is because each of us come with our own wounds which prevent us from risking unconditional love. We come guarded, fearful of the hurt we knew in the past and self-protection can bring an air of selfishness to a new relationship.

There is a song written and sung by Ben Harper called ‘Beloved One’. I love this song because it describes two people who have been hurt in love before and therefore are reluctant to go down that path again. Yet they just delight in each other so much they can trust to “keep each other safe from harm”. Its love described at its best. “Your heart has a home in mine. We won’t have to say a word. With a touch all shall be heard. When I search my heart it’s you I find.” Sometimes it seems even when we are on guard and we don’t choose love; our hearts choose love for us.

So how do you feel about Valentine’s Day? If there is a special someone in your life are you thinking about rejecting Valentine’s Day as commercial nonsense, going through the motions of a card and flowers, or are you taking the time to think how best you can meet your lover’s needs? Being one who values Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch I’m hoping my main man showers me with sweet whispers of endearment while getting naked on my bed.

Happy Valentine’s Day dear Fuckbookers. May each of you be loved the way your heart desires today.